despair

Ashleigh

Uncategorized

At your lowest of lows, you offered me your hand, but at the time I was just numb, confused, and didn’t truly understand.


Lonesome, lost, and homeless, I just wanted to run away, and through the dark, out of the blue, you offered me a place to stay.

We hadn’t spoken in a while, and I wasn’t sure if it was right, so I refused your generous offer and continued my solitary fight.

Little did I know, it would be the last time we would speak, when I discovered, not long after that, you’d given in to defeat.

So many questions and thoughts, as to why you never asked for assistance, but I guess that makes for the both of us, not wanting to burden each other’s existence.

Witness to your restful slumber, surrounded by mahogany, and circling though thoughts of how you would feel if it were me.

I guess it got a bit too much, and I wish I was there more to help you, and maybe if I hadn’t been so caught up in my own shit at the time, you wouldn’t have pursued.

How you dredged me out of the darkness, when I was comfortable hiding away, and taught me I could be myself in every single way.

You taught me that no matter how crazy things got, I had to just look after my self, for there was a tiresome journey ahead, illuminated by a clear path, to get me through all the pain that I was dealt.

I guess you saw no other option, no escape, no light, when you climbed up into that tree and surrendered your will to fight.

I miss you my dear friend, and I think about you all the time, haunted by flashbacks of the bruises across your neck, that no amount of makeup could hide.

But I hope you’re resting peacefully now, and I can’t thank you enough, for being one of the reasons why, I hadn’t given up.

Sweet Screams

Dreams, Sleep Paralysis

When the cruel grasp of reality buries its claws in your subconscious mind,
Igniting hallucinations that turn against you when you try to unbind.


Warped memories and illusions of incidents of fate,
Translate into a visual nightmare where there’s no escape.

You struggle to regain consciousness, anxiety like gravity pulling you further below,
Being chased by self-inflicted entities from trauma deeply sowed.


Desires evolving into disparities, interrupting your sedated slumber,
All a small part of the risk you take when you put yourself under.

Unmedicated insomnia jeopardising each small chance of reprieval,
With each fatigued opportunity follows an exposure to evil.


Stimulation and serotonin working well against your favour,
As you try to manipulate your destination through unlearned behaviours.

Paralysed occasionally from the journey back through the threshold,
Chained to your resting place by a force unseen and untold.


Breaking the spell that has you bound, afraid, crippled, and wheezy,
And surrendering to the unwelcome episodes of your brain, isn’t always so easy.

But within the peril comes a chance to escape to somewhere unique and reserved,
A reality completely uninterrupted and undisturbed.


Unlimited lucid landscapes and scenarios lacking consequence and sin,
Created entirely within your mind, to discover and pursue your desires within.

Fears of Tears

Uncategorized

To grieve is to gather what you can no longer see,
Through exposed tired irides and a heart full of debris.

In the forefront of my mind, a special place that you’d reserved,
I guess you’re lucky you left first so as to avoid all of this hurt.

Memories of our time together, not even remotely compared,
To the love that you gifted me in the home that we shared.

I would give everything that I have left within me, to see you run through that door,
To hold you in my arms again and catch a breath of that scent that I adored.

You took such a piece of me that night that you left, an empty void that remains within the constraints of my chest.

Now I just exist here without you, a lump in my throat that feels like a thousand tethers,
Left to reminisce how special our time was together.

Tepranillyou

Uncategorized

Pen in hand and thoughts beyond irides green and deep,
Wondering if you still think of me or if my name would you dare speak.

Another bites the dust after all and left of their luggage behind,
And so here I sit again, atop a mountain of realisation that I still have a pair yet to find.

Another crack in the porcelain heart that I’ve struggled so hard over the years to protect, Another notch in the belt of heartache, another sleepless night to reflect.

Another lonely night in this dark room, media tightly wrapped by my hand, A script of thoughtfulness that will shortly become inept.

As I watch it all play out on the screen through tired moments of seen, wanting to drift off and forget but awoken by the torture that has been.

But all of the scenes seem to be the same now, the show must go on..
This movie seems to last forever and a new chapter has begun.

Sat atop the baggage left behind, popcorn in hand.
Left here wondering if this movie will ever eventually end.

Destination Isolation

Uncategorized

Lonliness is a drug that long surpasses the night, wears off in the unconscious but comes back in the light.

An addiction easy to fall into, to avoid vulnerability, mistaking carelessness and numbness for a state of tranquillity.

No existing treatment or cure but to open your heart, to someone who could effortlessly tear it apart.

Finding distractions and errands to help my brain to adjust, but in between each task, resurfaces another memory of us.

They say time heals all wounds, but this particular scar I don’t want to conceal, because at the twilight of each day, when the lonliness sets in, at least I know what we shared was real.

10,000 Wails Away

Uncategorized

This life can throw you, in mysterious ways,
Toss you around with the weather, where your ships lie at bay.
Rough oceans meet the shore of your subliminal mind,
Where you’ve laid your trauma to rest and left it behind.


Water belts down from above, onto the graves of your past,
And washes away the tomb that you had formerly built to last.
Exposing thoughts and projections that you kept in disdain,
And flooding them back into reality to cause you pain.


In the wake of the storm, debris scattered amongst the shore,
Collateral to the life that you had once before.
At one time it seemed easy to build a fortress of stone,
But alas, you’ve come to realise that you can’t build it alone.


You meet someone peculiar, and with hope for a chance to reform,
Only to realise that to get to them, you need to venture back through the storm.
Accompanied by violence on your journey through the squall,
The inevitable odd flashes of doubt to where we’ll end up overall.


I know it’s hard to see the good through what seems like an eternal endeavour,
All I can promise you, is that storms don’t last forever.

Covid – Nightdreams

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In the dead of the night when I’m feeling cold and alone,
Scrolling back through our journey whilst tightly clenching my phone.
Creating ambitious and unrealistic scenarios to reunite with you, in my mind,
Wondering how I’ve come to fall so hard, in such a short amount of time.

I’ve mentioned it often to many of old flames,
That I’ve found my perfect pair, to walk beside in this eternal game.
But I’ll say it again to you, and I hope you’ll stick around,
And be my shoulder to cry on when I’m feeling so down.

To hold me tight against your chest, and hold my pieces in place,
To be able to look in your eyes and again touch your face.
To not have to miss you in every second of each day,
And to tangle myself around you in every single way.

I don’t know when I’ll get to feel you again, or how much longer we’ll have to wait,
Or if our bad luck combined, led us into this unfortunate fate.
But I know I want to share my life with you, and give it a promising go,
And for now just know that I’m completely and irrevocably in love with you, far more than you’ll ever know.