hurt

Ashleigh

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At your lowest of lows, you offered me your hand, but at the time I was just numb, confused, and didn’t truly understand.


Lonesome, lost, and homeless, I just wanted to run away, and through the dark, out of the blue, you offered me a place to stay.

We hadn’t spoken in a while, and I wasn’t sure if it was right, so I refused your generous offer and continued my solitary fight.

Little did I know, it would be the last time we would speak, when I discovered, not long after that, you’d given in to defeat.

So many questions and thoughts, as to why you never asked for assistance, but I guess that makes for the both of us, not wanting to burden each other’s existence.

Witness to your restful slumber, surrounded by mahogany, and circling though thoughts of how you would feel if it were me.

I guess it got a bit too much, and I wish I was there more to help you, and maybe if I hadn’t been so caught up in my own shit at the time, you wouldn’t have pursued.

How you dredged me out of the darkness, when I was comfortable hiding away, and taught me I could be myself in every single way.

You taught me that no matter how crazy things got, I had to just look after my self, for there was a tiresome journey ahead, illuminated by a clear path, to get me through all the pain that I was dealt.

I guess you saw no other option, no escape, no light, when you climbed up into that tree and surrendered your will to fight.

I miss you my dear friend, and I think about you all the time, haunted by flashbacks of the bruises across your neck, that no amount of makeup could hide.

But I hope you’re resting peacefully now, and I can’t thank you enough, for being one of the reasons why, I hadn’t given up.

Fears of Tears

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To grieve is to gather what you can no longer see,
Through exposed tired irides and a heart full of debris.

In the forefront of my mind, a special place that you’d reserved,
I guess you’re lucky you left first so as to avoid all of this hurt.

Memories of our time together, not even remotely compared,
To the love that you gifted me in the home that we shared.

I would give everything that I have left within me, to see you run through that door,
To hold you in my arms again and catch a breath of that scent that I adored.

You took such a piece of me that night that you left, an empty void that remains within the constraints of my chest.

Now I just exist here without you, a lump in my throat that feels like a thousand tethers,
Left to reminisce how special our time was together.

Tepranillyou

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Pen in hand and thoughts beyond irides green and deep,
Wondering if you still think of me or if my name would you dare speak.

Another bites the dust after all and left of their luggage behind,
And so here I sit again, atop a mountain of realisation that I still have a pair yet to find.

Another crack in the porcelain heart that I’ve struggled so hard over the years to protect, Another notch in the belt of heartache, another sleepless night to reflect.

Another lonely night in this dark room, media tightly wrapped by my hand, A script of thoughtfulness that will shortly become inept.

As I watch it all play out on the screen through tired moments of seen, wanting to drift off and forget but awoken by the torture that has been.

But all of the scenes seem to be the same now, the show must go on..
This movie seems to last forever and a new chapter has begun.

Sat atop the baggage left behind, popcorn in hand.
Left here wondering if this movie will ever eventually end.

Uncomfortably Numb

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A lingering soberness fuelled by a depressed mind, too depleted of energy to pour another glass of wine.

Once again brought to the forefront of my affliction, how much I still hate you for ruining me to feed your addiction.

I’ve since refused to become collateral to anyone else, all the meanwhile still riddled with horrible reminders of living in your abusive hell.

If we were to cross paths again, in yet another cruel twist of fate, there are a few ways I’ve romanticised over all this time of how to retaliate.

I’d love to beat you from atop the pedestal you thought you’d deserved to stand all these years, reduce you to the piece of shit that I used to fear.

Tear apart your mental health and hold you down until you resign, then cut open your face so your scars match those you left on mine.

But why waste more time than time already spent and served, and worst of all gift you the attention of which you definitely don’t deserve.

Hopefully this vendetta is one that I’ll eventually cease to pursue,
But I’m still angry for falling apart but at least I fell away from you.

Destination Isolation

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Lonliness is a drug that long surpasses the night, wears off in the unconscious but comes back in the light.

An addiction easy to fall into, to avoid vulnerability, mistaking carelessness and numbness for a state of tranquillity.

No existing treatment or cure but to open your heart, to someone who could effortlessly tear it apart.

Finding distractions and errands to help my brain to adjust, but in between each task, resurfaces another memory of us.

They say time heals all wounds, but this particular scar I don’t want to conceal, because at the twilight of each day, when the lonliness sets in, at least I know what we shared was real.

Covid – Nightdreams

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In the dead of the night when I’m feeling cold and alone,
Scrolling back through our journey whilst tightly clenching my phone.
Creating ambitious and unrealistic scenarios to reunite with you, in my mind,
Wondering how I’ve come to fall so hard, in such a short amount of time.

I’ve mentioned it often to many of old flames,
That I’ve found my perfect pair, to walk beside in this eternal game.
But I’ll say it again to you, and I hope you’ll stick around,
And be my shoulder to cry on when I’m feeling so down.

To hold me tight against your chest, and hold my pieces in place,
To be able to look in your eyes and again touch your face.
To not have to miss you in every second of each day,
And to tangle myself around you in every single way.

I don’t know when I’ll get to feel you again, or how much longer we’ll have to wait,
Or if our bad luck combined, led us into this unfortunate fate.
But I know I want to share my life with you, and give it a promising go,
And for now just know that I’m completely and irrevocably in love with you, far more than you’ll ever know.

Make a Witch

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I’ve been kicked, beaten and burnt at the stake,

The sorry lone victim of his unfeasible hate.

Whenever the chemicals took hold, and he shifted his gaze,

His pupils grew wide with an undefeatable rage.

I used every little ounce of strength that I had left,

To defend my heart before it was theft.

But it was shattered into pieces that I couldn’t recover,

And I left them with him when I became the insignificant other.

I went away for a while to be with my self,

But my trust for people deteriorated, along with my health.

Awakening anxiety ridden by day, with a force that drew me back to bed.

And the screams of our memories circling around in my head.

I eventually moved on to a man that I felt kept me safe,

He taught me how to heal and again to be brave.

But before long my heart was brought back to me by the one,

Sewn loosely atop a silver platter that glistened in the sun.

So I strayed from the path that I walked with my head held high,

And ran back to the man who once wished I’d die.

Although he was back to his old self, and in love again I’d fall,

After a week of bliss I realised that he hadn’t changed at all.

The future we had envisioned was all traded in for a hit,

And then I began to understand that our old flame could no longer be lit.

I stumbled around, still wounded, trying to find my old ways,

Still hoping that he’d get clean and come back to me someday.

But then something unexpected happened, and caught me completely off guard,

You came out of nowhere, and in your hands held my heart.

No sign of a single stitch, and no pieces were out of place,

You planted it in my hands, and quietly studied my weary face.

Viewing my tortuous celluloid, through the windows of my eyes,

You witnessed a lot of my pain, as I held your hands in mine.

I tried my absolute hardest, to heal first and make you wait,

But turns out it’s pretty fucking hard to ignore an undeniable fate.

I leapt courageously toward you, expecting to once again fall to my knees,

But you caught me and encouraged me to finally set my mind free.

You guided me back to my light that for so many years was lost and dimmed,

And for the first time in many years I don’t wake with thoughts of him.

I’m scared to what obstacles this love will bring as we further pursue,

But I know I’ll remain safe because I’m together, falling with you.